Thursday, December 6, 2012

It's all academic...

I just bought my first book about twins less than a week ago - yet another difference between this pregnancy and the last. Those of you who have been through infertility know how academic the process becomes. You know more about those early days of pregnancy than anyone really should. You know exactly what the beta numbers should be 5dp9dt. You know what 5dp9dt means (5 days passed a 9 day transfer). You know acceptable ranges of estrogen. You know what ultrasounds should look like at 5 weeks, 8 weeks, 10 weeks probably 12 weeks. In the midst of the academics, in the midst of trying to gain control when you have been so out of control in the process of trying to have a child, the miracle of the experience can be lost in numbers.

And then she was born. Maybe my brain had reached its intellectual capacity, maybe the mothering instinct was more powerful. Regardless, I ,for the most part, threw the books, other people's advice, etc. out the window. What should and shouldn't be done in parenting usually became just inaudible chatter to in the Charlie Brown skits. I very quickly learned that it just wasn't necessary. If I shut down that noise, most of what I needed to be a good mother was inside of me. I'm not saying I'm perfect and I'm not saying I'm great at it, but I am saying that I have no regrets in her first three years...mistakes and regrets with mostly looking inside for my innate mothering instincts that came alive the minute I saw her face.

I learned a lot about the uselessness of academics while raising her these past few years. The biggest reward of tossing the books and the chatter? I was able to fully live in the moment with her so much more easily. We've spent three years together, yet I feel like we've been connected over multiple lifetimes. I know I'll relate someday, but when people say "it goes so fast", I have yet to relate. I actually feel like the last three years have gone in slow a very good, special sort of way.

So when we found out about this pregnancy, both of my experienced philosophies came to the surface...academics vs. instincts. Guess which one initially won? Guess which one is more comfortable to embrace? Yes, the academics. I will not reveal how much time I spent on Google after the initial news of the twins. Yes, a twin-pregnancy scholar in a day or two. And then when we discovered they were monochorionic? Well, lather, rinse and repeat. The difference, though, with this compared with the pregnancy with Emmeline is a level of self-awareness. Oh...academics, research to gain control while feeling extremely out of control. Yes, I was lost in it for those first 12 weeks...nada, zip, nothing about the "miracle of the experience".

But the one baby step was that I didn't buy a book about twin pregnancy until 14 weeks. I figured that at least when I shut the computer down, I wouldn't go direct to some additional "casual" reading.

And so, now at week 15, I'm trying to back off - to make a conscious decision to lay off the research, to connect to this amazing experience on an instinct level. Frankly, I know enough to feel comfortable, to be an advocate for myself. On Monday I'm transferring to a highly-respected high risk ob - I'll be in good hands. Time the let go of some control, to connect with these TWO little buggers growing inside of me.

Because it's not all academic.

And to put a polished touched on this profound post...I have a yeast infection. Yay! ;-).

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