Monday, November 5, 2012

Glad someone is excited...

I knew that with successful infertility treatments it would be easy to fall into the "I shouldn't complain" trap. There was an undertone, I'm sure mostly self-imposed, that there should be nothing but gratitude...and unicorns and rainbows. I was aware of the trap and made a very strong effort not to fall into it. When I had hard days, during pregnancy and beyond, I would vent about them and not feel guilty. I quickly learned that gratitude, joy, exhaustion and frustration could co-exist and that to deny any of them was...well, unauthentic.

And now I'm back again- on the edge of that same trap, faced with the task of being authentic. I'm "that girl" - the infertile with an IVF babe who is now suddenly and surprisingly pregnant with twins. I know what it means. I know somewhere deep inside there is gratitude. I'm pretty confident at some point there will be joy.

But to say I'm there right now would be unauthentic.

Today I didn't enjoy being pregnant. I felt big and tired and irritated that my energy was missing. I didn't get excited when I thought about more babies in the house...I felt fear and exhaustion for what's to come. I looked around our modest house and suddenly felt claustrophobic. I packed away the beautiful professional wardrobe I just purchased this fall and replaced it with less sophisticated, stretchy maternity clothes. Yes, I grieved a wardrobe today - A WARDROBE. I'll admit it. Because today was just one of those days.

My best friend told her son about the babies today and shared with me that he was super excited. I responded with, "I'm glad someone is excited today because I'm just not feeling it.".

But the good news is that "I'm just not feeling it" and I know that feelings are impermanent like everything else...and there is a chance I'll wake up tomorrow or someday in the future and it will be gratitude and unicorns and rainbows - at least for the moment.

1 comment:

  1. all of it can coexist, and the shit is real too, some times, in some moments, the shit comes with no rainbows, it's just shit.

    my very first pregnancy, I felt hijacked in a way I never expected even though I worked so hard to make it happen-- I had not even begun to deal with body image stuff, along with the ick, and all of the ramifications of the new person that was on the way... and I thought I knew what I was getting into! HA! not at all. my second pregnancy, the one that ended with Della, I was a bit more accepting of the transience of everything but the ick (which felt interminable), and felt much better once the feeling of big turned into looking truly pregnant. I think I surrendered a bit then, when before it was more complicated. You've been dealt a doubly (triply, really) strange card here, for sure. I think I would be in COMPLETE PANIC, and a complete lunatic, so you are sounding pretty sane to me. in my experience, gratitude and discomfort have been very common bedfellows. best wishes to you.