I knew that with successful infertility treatments it would be easy to fall into the "I shouldn't complain" trap. There was an undertone, I'm sure mostly self-imposed, that there should be nothing but gratitude...and unicorns and rainbows. I was aware of the trap and made a very strong effort not to fall into it. When I had hard days, during pregnancy and beyond, I would vent about them and not feel guilty. I quickly learned that gratitude, joy, exhaustion and frustration could co-exist and that to deny any of them was...well, unauthentic.
And now I'm back again- on the edge of that same trap, faced with the task of being authentic. I'm "that girl" - the infertile with an IVF babe who is now suddenly and surprisingly pregnant with twins. I know what it means. I know somewhere deep inside there is gratitude. I'm pretty confident at some point there will be joy.
But to say I'm there right now would be unauthentic.
Today I didn't enjoy being pregnant. I felt big and tired and irritated that my energy was missing. I didn't get excited when I thought about more babies in the house...I felt fear and exhaustion for what's to come. I looked around our modest house and suddenly felt claustrophobic. I packed away the beautiful professional wardrobe I just purchased this fall and replaced it with less sophisticated, stretchy maternity clothes. Yes, I grieved a wardrobe today - A WARDROBE. I'll admit it. Because today was just one of those days.
My best friend told her son about the babies today and shared with me that he was super excited. I responded with, "I'm glad someone is excited today because I'm just not feeling it.".
But the good news is that "I'm just not feeling it" and I know that feelings are impermanent like everything else...and there is a chance I'll wake up tomorrow or someday in the future and it will be gratitude and unicorns and rainbows - at least for the moment.
Our Little Miss is an IVF babe, born after 4 years of trying. Then, after making our peace being a one-child family...oh, and then making our peace that we had another seemingly healthy one on the way...we discover that there are TWO BABIES growing in there. This is their journey and our journey as a family as we now embrace the idea of being a family of five.
all of it can coexist, and the shit is real too, some times, in some moments, the shit comes with no rainbows, it's just shit.
ReplyDeletemy very first pregnancy, I felt hijacked in a way I never expected even though I worked so hard to make it happen-- I had not even begun to deal with body image stuff, along with the ick, and all of the ramifications of the new person that was on the way... and I thought I knew what I was getting into! HA! not at all. my second pregnancy, the one that ended with Della, I was a bit more accepting of the transience of everything but the ick (which felt interminable), and felt much better once the feeling of big turned into looking truly pregnant. I think I surrendered a bit then, when before it was more complicated. You've been dealt a doubly (triply, really) strange card here, for sure. I think I would be in COMPLETE PANIC, and a complete lunatic, so you are sounding pretty sane to me. in my experience, gratitude and discomfort have been very common bedfellows. best wishes to you.