Intentions

When I wrote the last post, I had intentions of writing more like every other day. And now I see that the last post was written on September 26th.

See, I have this admittedly insane guilt complex about not keeping the best documentation of the boys in this first year. The source of that guilt? The blog that I had kept about Emmeline. It was detailed. It was regular. It started over a year before she was conceived, continued through my pregnancy and while a little less detailed and frequent, I managed to keep it up through her first year. And then I found this amazing site that can take your blog and print a hard copy in a beautiful book. That book rests on top of the coffee table. Although Emmeline can't read yet, she often will sit with the book and look at the pictures. She relishes in the fact that it's a book about her. I've told her that someday she will love to read it and I'm confident that will be the case.

And every time I look at that book (which, I may add, is sitting on top of her very well put together baby book), I am flooded with the mommy guilt that stems from that fact that no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to give the boys what I give Emmeline - not just that better blog and baby books, but the quiet moments in the rocker and the days of nothing but cuddles, the longer evening baths. I feel like I'm being a good mom when I get them bathed once a week (although, that is going to have to change now that we've started solids)...and, if someone offered me a method to bath babies quicker than I am already doing, I would without hesitation say "Yes please.".

It's a crazy life - these two boys, big sis and now working as a professor. Add on top of this the fact that my husband is experiencing some severe back issues that will most likely end up being resolved with surgery. For the first time in my life, this Type A is not keeping up with much of anything...the laundry, the house, friends, sometimes my own basic hygiene. So yes, there is no denying that the boys will have a different life.

But as one dear friend stated so well, "What is missing in the one-on-one attention that you can give them, is compensated for with siblings.". I think about this phrase often. It lessens that mommy guilt.

And one day I hope to even transcend that helpful mantra and realize that there is really nothing compensate for...that when my intention is good, when I'm giving them my best, I know they're going to be okay. And that probably the best thing I can actually do for them is to let go of any guilt and simple be present.

May this find you well and enjoying your own guilt-free moments, whatever they are.